Disappointment

When things don't turn out the way we hoped, it's natural to feel sad about it, but disappointment can play havoc with our confidence and motivation if we aren't vigilant. It cannot be said often enough that failure is a vital part of life - not only do we learn from our mistakes, but we can only prepare ourselves to tackle our future disappointments by accepting those outcomes we would prefer not want to face in the present.

Life is up and down for all of us; if we focus on the downs, we risk becoming ensnared in depression, and once we fall into the hole it can be difficult to escape. Like a child learning to walk, we should pick ourselves up and try again... and again... and again. Never let disappointment fool you into confusing the experience of failure with the delusion that you are a failure. We all fail from time to time, and despite how it may seem, successful people have failed many more times than those who never try.

Never let fear of failure prevent you from trying. Fail - fail often, fail spectacularly, fail wildly! Immunise yourself to disappointment by exposing yourself to it. The world forgets failure and remembers success - we should endeavour to do the same.

Comments

[Corvus]

Good thoughts. That's rather been the theme of the season in my household.

[Neil]

I have yet to discover that failing repeatedly leads me to a better life.

[Anon]

I saw a superb comment by Steve Rhode of myvesta (a debt counselling specialist) yesterday. "Reflect on what happened and learn from it - why waste a perfectly good failure?"

despite how it may seem, successful people have failed many more times than those who never try.

Not always. There's a strong case, for example, that successful investment managers have simply been lucky so far. I refer you to Nassim Taleb: "Fooled by Randomness" for a qualitative analysis of that case, but in essence:

- Assume that a manager is evaluated yearly.
- Each year, the manager makes a profit or a loss (breaking even is unlikely).
- Each year, all managers who make a loss are fired. All managers who make a profit are promoted.
- Start with 10,000 managers who do random things, leading to a 50% chance of profit, 50% of loss.
- Run for 10 years.
- Lionise the surviving managers and write books about their "method".

Sometimes, life is just plain random.

[Rik]

Great once again. This is a =really= useful thought for me right now, as I am actually battling some depression. :) Thank you Chris!

[Chris]

Neil: It's not the failing that leads to a better life, but learning from one's mistakes, and learning to deal with and accept the failure. If you don't learn to deal with the failures, if each one throws you for a loop as badly as it ever did, then you end up holding yourself back - afraid to try because fear of failure outweighs your capacity to believe in something positive happening as a result of trying something. That's the trap; you need to take whatever steps are necessary to avoid falling into it.

Anon: "Sometimes life is just random" - indubitably. But against the background noise of life's fortunes and misfortunes, learning to deal with failure goes a long way to improving the situation. Even if one's life were entirely random, if setbacks cause us to cease trying, we become the bigger factor in our own hopelessness.

Rik: sorry to hear you're battling some depression right now. Many of the regulars here at Only a Game, myself included, have either battled with or are continuing to battle with depression - it's a tough fight. But persistence can win out; ride out the worst of it, take action whenever you can. The depression wins if it can force you to a place where you are willing to try nothing - because once it has you in the corner, it deprives you of any way out of the hole. Don't be afraid to feel sad for a while when life knocks you on your ass, but never let that sadness get a hold on you for any length of time. Fight it however you can.

Best of luck!

[Michael Mouse]

Was it Beckett who did the whole "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." thing?

Comforting and inspiring words for most areas of human endeavour.

(The exceptions are things like sky-diving and self-trepanation.)

I can't be the only one on here, though, who has at times heartily wished for save-points in real life.

[Rik]

The only trouble with the 'fail forward fast' methodology... is what if you are aware you're really confused and don't know what you want to do, and feel like you are liable to do some very crazy things & potentially make some crazy mistakes - and possibly hurt others & yourself.. ? Should you resist that urge? I guess I'm beating the depression ok right now (and this post was so perfectly spookily timed - thanks again Chris, just so you know, you've just really helped a random stranger across the internet)... but now, should I try and beat "the crazy"? I suppose it's preferable, but it seems very risky in it's own way.

[Chris]

Rik: happy to have helped! But you're not entirely a random stranger to me - you've been commenting since March, and possibly reading before then. ;)

As for "beat the crazy" - this is a tricky thing. Back at university I did let go at times and let my madness move me, which was liberating but often created new problems. In fact, my track record for giving into the crazy has been patchy at best... sometimes it paid off, but sometimes it sent me back to the depression.

If you have some friends that you are close enough to that you could talk through these issues with, I'd do that before taking any action. And if you don't, then work on cultivating closer friends. :) If you can't air your craziest ideas to a friend in words, then there's a good chance that it's too crazy to execute in practice.

Best of luck!

[Rik]

Ah, you've sussed me - yep I've been reading for quite some time. ;)

A good plan though regarding mad stuff. :) I'll consider who I can tell or if I can't.

I suppose my random thoughts tie back into the ethics campaign in a way. It could in theory be more ethical for me to enter an inactive depressed state! But that doesn't really gel with my own ideas on ethics, nor of course with many ideas you've written about here. I certainly can't advocate universalising depression. ;)

[Chris]

...although universal depression might work out as a positive step for the environment. ;)

Best wishes, and thanks for reading!